As my friend Deals has more important things to do than blog these days, such as care for a newborn, I suppose the task falls to me to share our text exchanges with the world. You’re welcome.
The texts followed repeated messages left on her voicemail begging her to find someone who is
- Not pregnant
- Doesn’t have a suckling infant attached to their waist
- Not planning a wedding
- Has no shame in asking their friends for money (for a good cause, really! It isn’t padding my 401K. Although I am taking personal donations.)
Deals: Sorry I suck at returning phone calls!
Deals: I always mean to and then forget
Deals: Having a baby is very distracting
Me: I’ve noticed. What are you doing today?
Deals: Feeding baby, washing dogs, feeding baby, going to store, feeding baby, etc.
Deals: This three hour loop is exhausting
Deals: Did you find anyone for ur committee? I would do it myself if I didn’t have a brand new Banner.
Me: I know. I would have totally recruited you if Thor wasn’t keeping you busy. Still need committee members so if you know anyone who is interested let me know.
Me: I was just feeling guilty for not seeing you guys.
Me: I think he can smell my fear. Are you sure he’s not a wolverine?
Deals: Vampire actually, he hates the sun
Me: Well at least I can relate to vampires. I was worried because wolverines are kind of jerks.
Deals: I just feel terrible I’ve been so bad about calling u back!
Me: You get a pass til Thor turns 18 but after that I hold you responsible
The moral of the story is that wolverines are kind of jerks but vampires are ok. That, and people with babies can’t be responsible for their actions or inaction.
There is not much that strikes terror in my heart. A lion and antelope fighting to the death? Yawn.
Lion v. Antelope
Jumping out of an airplane with a parachute and a prayer? Sign me up.
Image Courtesy of Travellers_Checklist
Yet, a week-old baby can send chills through my bones. I wasn’t sure from where my irrational fear stemmed until I googled it. Apparently other (totally sane) people share the same (completely rational) fear of small children as me. And they are really convinced that babies are rising up to start the zombie apocalypse. Or that drug addicts are snorting babies. Regardless, I plan on barring the doors and filling all the bathtubs with water.
Image Courtesy of My Google Search
Now I’m afraid to go to sleep in fear that a coked out undead baby will crawl out from under my bed with a shank. Please save me from myself. And babies. Mostly the babies. They are coming for me.
Yes, this baby is wearing a TARDIS cocoon with “Police Box” stenciled on his head. Mostly because if he’s going to shank me slash eat my brains he’s going to do it while making a bold fashion statement. You have to have priorities.
P.S. While you may not notice the immediate parallels between Thor and a zombie please examine the diagram below to see the startling similarities. I’m lucky I got out of there with all of my appendages.
Image Courtesy of "How To Be A Dad"
Once you enter your 30s it is inevitable that friends will start to settle down. When a slew of wedding invitations and birth announcements found their way into my mailbox I accepted the change with as much grace as I could muster. I figured that while these poor schmucks were yoyo dieting to fit into wedding dresses and becoming sleepless zombies thanks to their newborns, I could continue to bask in the freedom of single life without a husband or child to weigh me down. But then I moved back to the States and witnessed first hand the impact of nesting on once single friends. These friends, once beholden to no one but themselves, were putting spouse and child’s needs ahead of their own… and it scared the crap out of me.
The reality hit me hardest when a good friend announced she was pregnant last summer. I was on my way to becoming the last single girl. What did I have in common with these women anymore? I would rather scratch my eyes out than talk about breast feeding and sleep schedules. But as I watched this friend contend with pregnancy with her usual sarcasm and horror I realized that a child could never break the bond of crazy, we would always have irrational fears, awe inspiring stories, or just plain bizarre life moments.
With that said I’m happy to announce that said friend delivered her baby (aka Thor) at 5:46 this morning. If I was a better friend I’d know how much it weighed and stuff but I’m just happy knowing that he is a healthy baby boy. With the birth of Thor I’ve decided it’s no longer appropriate to continue referring to his dad as”Studmuffin”. I gave him a variety of mildly inappropriate new nicknames to choose from but rather than allow him to weigh in on the matter I’ve decided that my favorite is an amalgamation of his former nickname and his new role as proud pop. So “Studmuffin” I hereby rename you “MuffinPop”. Congratulations!